So bad

It's okay though

it's fine

because

after about a month or so of doing this daily

I have stopped again

I am about 2 or 3 weeks clean.

I'm fairly proud.

Ughk, I'm sorry. :\

At least it's not as bad as what I've seen on the social media.

And I quote...this is why I was silent for so long.

"What'd I do to you?"

~Him.

 

"It wasn't molestation, you teased him."

~Mother

 

"I don't believe you."

~Everyone.

 

"I don't want my daughter pregnant! If she gets pregnant, you're taking care of the baby and I'm leaving."

~Father

 

"It wasn't molestation because I know you liked it."

~Mother

 

"You're such a fucking whore."

~Everyone.

 

"Come on, why are you backing away?"

~Him

 

"Why are you pulling a knife out on me, I'm not doing anything wrong."

~Him

 

"Why'd you cut yourself? You're so stupid."

~Brother

 

"I thought I was your favorite machine? ;)"

~Him

 

"I swear she told me she loved me."

~Him

 

"Let me."

~Him

 

"Why do you want me to stop?"

~Him

 

 

 

Why do you think I waited a year to say anything?

 

Because I knew you wouldn't believe me,

just like the last 2 guys.

 

 

 

 

 



ANXIETY.

Why can't you get the fuck out of my life

Whenever there's a situation I don't know how to solve you come to me with shaking, nausea, tears that I won't let come out, and this weird feeling throughout my body. It feels like I need to yawn but I cant and that feeling is just killing me.

If you ever come and walk up to me I have to stop what I'm doing and take a break or else I'll have a really bad Anxiety Attack. And once that happens its hard to stop.

You're interfering my life and making it a living hell. It's hard to do anything and go anywhere because of you.

Fuck you.

Sam

You were my best friend.
But you were never there when I needed you.
I was always there for you, but you wouldn't even listen when I tried to help.
I believe you DO have problems.
But, after you went to the hospital and got this shit checked out
and you told me what you "have"
I just couldn't believe you.
You told me you had like 10 different things.
I've tried, and I've tried to help you.
I tried to guide you to a better being.
You just would not listen.
You broke that trust that I had for you.
I...
I don't want to type anymore.

Raymond & Katarina

Dear Raymond,

It's funny how you think I'm the one in the wrong.
I knew I'd never ever date you. You split up me and the love of my life. You called me names, you told me to eat shit. And may I say, you are the most dramatic person I have ever met. Now that I have another class with you, it's difficult to not get up and beat your ass up. You were the one in the wrong. You flirted with my best friend right in front of me, and she took it. You are a downer, you are never positive. I'm never positive either, but I don't agree that I'm a downer..


Okay, peeps, I told my bestfriend I didn't want to be with this dick head because of what happened the night of a football game. He flirted with her, and I realized that I don't deserve that.
I told her not to tell him.
She did.
So there must've been something going on between them, or she wouldn't have.
But I'm glad she did.
I hate that man.
He completely went actor on me on my birthday. "Happy fucking birthday" then walked away.
OH. Because that hurt you more than it hurt me.
It really did. I don't give 2 fucks about you.


NOOOWWW,
Katarina!
Raymond's ex-girlfriend
In which, completely controls him when she's with him.

Now that I switched from AP Euro to World history
I have a class with both of you.
And oh, how great it is.
Mostly that you two sit right next to eachother.
And somehow, Katarina gets to grade my paper every time.
And I see you two giggling, like you think what you put on that paper hurts me.
I fail tests because I'm not used to the fucking class,
I DON'T KNOW AS MUCH AS YOU BECAUSE I HAVEN'T BEEN LEARNING THIS SHIT.
AND let's not forget, that I'm still used to AP Euro, and I feel like all the questions are a crap-load of trick questions.

"You're great!"
"I'm your favorite person! CB Katarina"
Shut the fuck up.
Obviously 7 out of 15 isn't fucking good.
"You're great!"
SHUT THE FUCK UP.
I am so sick of your laughs
why the hell do you think the teacher makes fun of it!?!


it's so hard to not get up and punch both of you in the face.
Fuck off.

Marcus

YOU have ruined that name.
YOU have ruined and tainted my brother's truck.
YOU sicken me.

Marcus.
Fuck you.

You came thinking you could neglect me.
You came thinking you can get something.
You got something, you took my happiness.
That very last bit of happiness.

You molested me.

And no matter how hard I tried, you wouldn't stop.
I tried pulling a knife out on you, I tried to cut your hand.
But you didn't stop.
You kept trying to touch me.
You kept climbing on top of me.
You kept scaring me.
You kept grabbing me.
I kept hitting you.
I kept feeling hopeless.
I kept dying inside.
Wondering why me?
Why the hell me?
Who could deserve this. And throughout 15 years, by 3 different guys.
Yet you were the worst of all.
Sometimes I blame myself. 3 guys is a pattern.
I didn't like it.
I told him no, I yelled to stop.
And no one believed me, even if they were right there.
My brother, you, you were right there.
I hate you. You didn't help me. You never helped me.
I hurt
I see you, Marcus, at school. I clench my teeth, I create fists.
I close my eyes, hoping for the best, that you won't do any harm.
I do this because, I couldn't fight you off of me.
I'm stronger now, but.. you could be stronger.
You hang out with my group. Leave me alone.
And when no one knew about what you did for a whole year
and you were still allowed at my house
Whenever I overcame you
You'd say "What did I ever do to you"
with a smirk.
You know exactly what you did.
You damaged me.
You damaged me hard.